18 February 2009

And then came the snow...


Wet, squishy, perfect-snowball making snow. It's been coming down since about noon here in the Northeast, and to be frank about it, I'm thrilled. It's just warm enough that I got a chance to really enjoy it without freezing my proverbial balls off, and it's so pretty. The big, fluffy flakes drifting slowly down underneath the streetlights... I really do love winter, can't you tell?

Well, I've had an interesting week. I'm just about done with my substitute gig during the day, and that has been endlessly educational for me. I think I could possibly be a high school teacher without tearing my hair out. I don't think I'd be able to do music, but as a history teacher, I think I may be capable, and frankly, good at it. The question remains whether or not I would be happy as a high school history teacher. Well, in reality, the question remains exactly WHAT I would be happy doing in general. I still don't even have a field narrowed down. I can pursue the opera thing, I could go the History route (either as a high school teacher, or continuing for my Ph.D.)… I could also bypass both and go with the English degree somehow. I have it, and I can certainly use it. So though this experience has at least affirmed a suspicion, it has essentially done nothing to solve my overall dilemma.


It's an interesting thing to be working in my old high school, I must admit. Especially as the teacher of a program I was so ridiculously involved in during my time as a student. I keep finding little traces of myself everywhere. My name penciled into a score as a soloist, on old lists of the chamber ensemble tucked in the back of a folder, or my handwriting on the music library folders from my year as the librarian… It's an odd feeling, and not necessarily one I classify as a good nostalgia. I personally have very conflicted feelings when I look back on my high school years. I was a total freaking tool, and was trapped in a seriously unhealthy relationship. I was bored academically, frustrated with the whole high school experience, and I didn't really fit in any social circle. I changed who I was for a long time in order to feel like I belonged somewhere, and ultimately it came back to bite me in the ass (not that long ago actually). I certainly would not classify my high school experience as an overall positive one (in fact, the program I am now substituting in was one of the only totally good things), so it's odd to be back in that building daily again.


The little traces I keep finding of myself feel like they were from a different lifetime. I've changed so much, and at the same time I haven't. I'm still the same person, I just don't feel like I need to change my outward presentation in order to fit anywhere. I've realized that I deserve better than what I allowed myself to have relationship wise. I'm comfortable with myself, finally. I have self-esteem. All that other stuff feels like it was so long ago… In reality it's only been (exactly) four years since I myself was sitting in that classroom as a senior, looking out that same window, hoping for an early dismissal as I watched the fluffy, wet, perfect snow drift down. And frankly, I'm glad I'm not back in that student position. I really like where I am in life right now. And that's a marvelous thing.


-l.c.

P.S. - These photos are not from today, they are from early last week sometime. I forgot my camera today.

7 comments:

Timiae said...

I'm with you on the what-to-do dilemma! At least you have the option to teach (I didn't work toward teaching certification... mistake!). PhD would be amazing if the time and $ was there. It's great that you're getting experience in different things, though!

Iron Needles said...

Ah. What a strange place that must be.

I find myself wishing for a better past, but realize there are my best lessons often.

Megan said...

What you're feeling reminds me of how I feel about past relationships sometimes. I've been married for 2 1/2 years and when I think about my other relationships I feel like it was a different lifetime or it didn't really happen. It's so weird to think that that was me.

Those are some lovely pictures. We got another dusting of snow last night but nothing really.

Lupie said...

I nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger Award. Check my blog.
Love the pictures!

Megan said...

I nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger Award too. It's on my blog!

lara griffiths said...

i nominated you for the kreativ blogger award as well!

passionknitone said...

ditto on the Kreativ Blogger thing! You're one popular gal!